AmazonMidwife

The mother of a friend of the Girl approached me on Sunday at church to ask about setting up a playdate between her daughter and the Girl. This isn't a new thing; the girls have done the birthday party back and forth, a couple of playdates and have taken sewing classes from the rec. center together for years. What caused me to take notice was a remark from the mom about how hard it was for her quite intelligent daughter to make friends at school, because the girls were so clique-y there. Upon hearing that, my mind immediately began the superior dance, thinking "and everyone worries about homeschoolers and their supposed (sic) "lack of socialization."

But school isn't the sole province of cliques and cattiness. When I started the medieval history group last year, there was an instance where the girls started talking badly about another girl they knew from gym class. I had been preparing a snack for them, but I stopped what I was doing, came in from the kitchen and went from kindly homeschool-mom-teacher person to avenging goddess, saying, "We don't talk badly about people here. How would you feel if other girls were talking this way about you?" It quenched the behavior, but it wasn't the way I would have preferred to handle the incident; I probably would have been able to facilitate some conversation on the matter had I not flashed back to my 5th grade self when I heard the tone of voice the girls were using while criticizing this other girl. Fortunately, a lovely twist of fate happened that very afternoon. When talking to one of the mothers about the incident, she told me that she knew the mother of the dissed girl, who had asked her if it were possible to join the class. The mother and I decided that this would be a fine thing, and it was. The girls got to know each other and have all become good friends and companions, learning to appreciate the strengths and differences of each other.

That's where homeschooling has the advantage; no bureaucracy to get in the way, more adults around who can (lovingly) intervene, and time to work on facilitation and process. Time to gestate an idea such as this one that I birthed when I sent this letter (excerpted) to our homeschool group early last month:

...But, the part of my cogitations that I haven't revealed is that I came up with this idea after talking to L. last Thurs. about Inga Muscio's book, "Cunt". [read it!] I sent out the invite with the express hope of fostering a group that would want to continue meeting, at least bi-monthly as a way of ushering our pubescent and soon to be girls into their maidenhood. (I just thought that might be too overwhelming if I sprung it on you that way; it's not like we all don't have enough to fill our schedules.)

When I say group, I'm envisioning something fluid, something that one could come to when it worked out, but miss when it didn't. (The concept is called gottawanna in my mind.) I was hoping that as our girls were growing up and maybe having some issues with their own mothers, they could use a net of aunties and sisters that this community would sustain. And, I must admit, I did envision having some topic about half of the times. A couple of ideas I had were: a discussion about queen bees/mean girls---how to identify the dynamic and behave to create solidarity instead, a real (meaning non-DARE) recreational substance talk, and also to see whatever came up from them. S. mentioned a how-to massage night that I think I could get my apprentice to lead. I wasn't thinking spa night every time, but I figured that we'd like it enough to do it again, (not to mention that there can be some substantial discussions while spa-ing.)...

Our group did meet---had a lovely spa night with sugar and oil foot-cials and massages, yogurt facials, nail polish extravanganza and a highly successful diplomatic intervention on how to apply make-up. (as one of the moms said sotto voce to the other moms, the girls' first tries made them look like they were getting ready to perform Kabuki.) We ate chocolate, drank tea, talked and laughed, and decided that we should set up a mother-daughter belly dancing class for next time, as well as talking about having a wedding story/picture/video night at some point. And the moms had some time for some meta-messaging/modeling about girl power and the other mentioned topics as the evening progressed.

It's another of the myriad benefits of homeschooling; if we see a need, we have a bit more time to fit in a way to fill it, as well as being confident that we can fill it, that we're smart and able enough, and, more importantly, have nourished a community to help us fill it. But what of our standard-schooled friend(s)? What about all the girls/women we know and just can't fit in our living rooms? What about the girls/women we don't know? What about those who don't know there can be another way?

Okay, I'm getting angst-y, preachy, too-soap-opera-y earnest, so I'm gonna finish with some excerpts of a poem by Judith W. Steinbergh. I've loved it since college, although I can't remember how I found it. Lines of it have been running through my mind ever since I envisioned the girl-power club. I looked for a link in vain, and (I think) to type the whole thing would be a copyright violation. But, I believe this will give you the idea, and hopefully enough inspiration to spread a little sunshine (and girl power) in your own corner of the world.

~here is what she needs and keeps her
a net of women so strong that when she falls
from the tightrope she walks day after day...

...she bounces and soars...and is off, a speck in the cranberry dawn.